Saturday, 6 February 2010

Cheat or still sweet? A Webphemera Valentine's Special

Yeah it's that time of year again.  However, we are not always sweetness and light here.  Instead of the usual Valentines sloppiness here we present a guid to the women of the world.  With our tongues ever so slightly in our cheeks!
Do you ever wonder if your man is cheating on you or is still sweet?  Worry no more!  Instead of hiring expensive (and sometimes rather smelly) Private Investigators, follow this simple guide to discover whether your man is a low down dog or still a faithful Fido.

We present to you here a variety of signs which may – or may not – indicate your man is putting it where it doesn’t belong.  Simply award points for each sign and add them up.  Follow the quick-and-easy points system below and add them up as you go along. The results section at the end of this page will then inform you whether your suspicions are well-founded or you are simply a crazy, delusional mad woman.

There is also a short section at the end which makes suggestions about what to do with the money you saved by not hiring those PIs.  This will, of course, depend on the results!

So, for each of the signs you will be given, you must award yourself either none, one, two or three points.  Adding them up will give you the end result which will prove – absolutely and with no element of doubt – whether or not your man is cheating on you.  First of all, the points system.  No points if this has never happened, one point if you have noticed it a little, two if it seems to happen quite often.  Finally, three points if you notice it all the time

So, ready? Let’s go!


Have you noticed recently that your guy is spending less and less time with you?  Do you get that inevitable call at around five in the afternoon and the message that he must, again, spend more time at work?  That pesky manager of his has called yet another meeting.  Those deadlines keep getting tougher all the time. 

This may of course be the truth.  However, less time with you is more time with someone else.  Are you sure it is with his manager? And if so, is her name Felicity? Is she twenty five?  Does she look like a young Jessica Rabbit? Worry, girl.


Have you noticed any change in the way he looks? Is he spending more time in the bathroom (without those magazines)?  Has he started talking about L’Oreal in its proper context, when previously he thought it was a small town in France?  What about his clothing?  How many new shirts has he bought recently – that is, gone in to a shop and bought for himself rather than casually thanking you for buying them for him?  Has he changed his hairstyle, or worse, has he begun to color his hair to hide that little bit of grey you thought was so cute? 

Perhaps he has decided to brush up on his image.  Thinking back to his manager: when you realized, with some relief, that he is managed by a man, did you recall ever meeting the manager’s partner at the company bash? And was he called Gerald? If so, worry, girl.  Some worms do indeed turn. 


Has he changed the car recently? Has he gone from that safe, middle of the road mode of vehicular transport to a new flash Saab or Subaru?  If not, then closely inspect the car for those subtle signs.  Has the passenger seat been moved back to make room for legs impossibly longer than your own?  Is there a stray long blond hair which can’t possibly be yours because he like yours short?  Check the radio – is the channel the one he loves to listen to (Queen, Iron Maiden and so on) or do you get Whitney Houston with “I Will Love You” when you turn it on?  This could indicate the presence of either Gerald or Felicity so check the glove compartment.  If it is spotlessly tidy, he thinks he is being clever.  Remember, men only tidy for a good reason.

Of course, perhaps he gave an old gentleman who owns a long haired Labrador a lift back from the Mall (where he had been buying another new shirt).  Perhaps his musical tastes have changed and hell is about to freeze over.  Or perhaps he was simply trying to find his portable razor (in that attempt to brush up his appearance) and decided to clean up the glove compartment while he was at it. If not then worry, girl.


Have you noticed that when you go to hug him he shies away and folds his arms?  This is surely a sign that he has wandered.  Then, when you finish watching that old Patrick Swayze film and go to the den to get a little action, do you find him way too busy on his laptop to give you any attention?  When you are out shopping and you put your hand in his, does he suddenly find something urgent that needs to be done with it, like take a new shirt off a rack and stare at it thoughtfully?  When you look meaningfully in to his eyes with that unspoken suggestion do you get a similar look to the one that rabbit gave you when you caught it in your headlights last week? If so, worry, girl!


When you first met your guy, was he financially solvent? If yes, then what seems to be the matter with his bank balance at the moment? Suddenly, he has no money to spend anymore, certainly not on you.  It all seems to go on new shirts, L’Oreal and Whitney Houston CDs.  He used to leave his bank statements lying around, didn’t he, in one of those contrived ways men do to impress the new lady?  Where are they now?  Not strewn all over the house as they used to be, that’s for sure. 

Of course, he could be reassessing his financial position and saving up for that engagement ring you’ve been hoping for over the last, oh, seven years or so.  If monetary impecunity continues with no resultant round gold thing, worry, girl.

Have you always felt that you are secure in yourself and your relationships?  Have you prided yourself on your lack of jealously and envy when it comes to your men?  Then why is it that he is suddenly rounding on you and calling you nosey, possessive and insecure when you ask him the name of his manager and does he really have to work late this evening because you have just spent the last four days planning and preparing the perfect meal? It is well known that the cheat often uses offence as defense when it comes to covering his tracks.

Of course, it could just be his time of the month.  Or the mid-life crisis may be starting, even though he is only twenty eight.  If not, then worry, girl.


Think back to the time you watched the old Swayze movie and went to the den.  When you opened the door did he turn from the laptop hurriedly while, at the same time, slapping the lid shut with such great speed you are sure you heard a cracking noise?  Has he recently gone to high speed internet connection?  Has the word MSN crept furtively in to his vocabulary when before now he thought it was a medical condition?  Then he is probably having covert conversations with Felicity or Gerald. 

Or perhaps not.  He could be shopping on line for that ring.  He could be arranging a surprise birthday party for you and is doing it in plenty of time because it’s not for nine months and every detail must be correct.  If you don’t want it to be your party with you crying if you want to, then worry, girl.


Did he always leave his cell phone on and discarded (like his bills) around the house?  Does he turn it off all the time now so that he cannot receive calls when he is with you?  Does he receive a text, grunt with pleasure when reading it and then give you a furtive look?  Does he take calls and say something like “I can’t talk right now,” and then give you yet another “look of furtivity”?

Well, perhaps it’s all about that party he is arranging for you. Perhaps it’s going to be the surprise of your life and he has to, at all costs, keep it a secret.  Yes, that’s it.  Don’t worry, girl!


Check those new shirts?  Do they smell of more than residual L’Oreal?  What are the smells?  Are they smokey? He gave up before you met. What about perfume?  Or alcohol? Has he been going to bars instead of doing that overtime with Felicity or Gerald?  Use that nose you were born with!

Of course, he could have been checking out the venue for your surprise (engagement?) party and the party planner could have been a smoker who wore too much perfume.  That will probably be it.  There needs to be at least forty or fifty meetings of this kind for a really good surprise party.  No need to worry, girl!


You feel so guilty!  Why did you worry about any of this at all?  You just went out – he wouldn’t tell you where you were going.  When you got there you discovered it was a surprise party which he had been planning for ages! A party just for you, a party he arranged for no evident reason.  Just because he loves you so much.

Plus you got engaged.  What, no?  No ring at all?  No hint of proposal? Surely, this was THE evening he could have popped the question, with all your friends and family around.  After all, he knows you’re going to say a great big yes and jump in to his arms.

So why the party?  Think, girl!  Who is the one with guilty thoughts after all?



If you scored between 0 and 5

Well done!  You have a guy who is honest, faithful and, well, quite frankly boring.  It is obvious that you are only together because he can’t attract someone prettier, richer, thinner and more intelligent than you. Dump him.

If you scored between 6 and 10
Not bad at all!  Your guy is obviously a sensitive type who wouldn’t stray far from you if he could, which he obviously can’t.  Either because he won’t or he can’t.  However, there is that tiny, tiny doubt in your mind.  Honestly, if you can’t trust your man one hundred percent, what can you do? Dump him.

If you scored between 11 and 15

Mmm.  There is a little room for doubt in your mind.  Not much, but just enough.  Still, it could be worse.  However, if he shows this little get up and go about having affairs, what sort of long term relationship can you look forward to?  Boring, tedious and yawn inducing that’s what.  Dump him.

If you scored between 16 and 20

He has the capacity to be a naughty boy, doesn’t he?  In a half way house kind of way, that is.  He should really do things properly or not at all.  If you stay with this guy your house is going to fall down around your ears as he will always say he is going to get those DIY jobs finished but he never, ever will. Dump him.

If you scored between 21 and 25
Now.  This guy means business, but not, more is the pity, with you.  Whether it’s with Felicity or Gerald he is up to no good.  Get your scissors out and wreck his new clothes.  Rip the leather upholstery in his brand new car.  Spill some paint on his laptop.  Then, dump him.

If you scored between 26 and 30

Er, just dump him, girl.  Then kill him. Chop him up in to tiny pieces and cook him up as a casserole.

And finally….

What can you do with that money you could have wasted on a Private Investigator?  Here is just one suggestion to start your thinking on the subject.  Go on to one of the many last minute flights websites and book a ticket for a month in Rio.  Once there, head for the beach and spend the rest on it on a guy called Michelangelo or Juan or Pedro.  He may not, like pets, be for life but boy oh boy; your Christmas will have come early.

Please use the comment space below to give us your ideas about what to do with the money!


Glynis said...

lol a great tongue in cheek post.

Anonymous said...

Alas, sad but true. My dear ex had all the signs--I just trusted the jerk. Now, I just trust the month support payments!