Yeah it's that time of year again. However, we are not always sweetness and light here. Instead of the usual Valentines sloppiness here we present a guid to the women of the world. With our tongues ever so slightly in our cheeks!
Do you ever wonder if your man is cheating on you or is still sweet? Worry no more! Instead of hiring expensive (and sometimes rather smelly) Private Investigators, follow this simple guide to discover whether your man is a low down dog or still a faithful Fido.
We present to you here a variety of signs which may – or may not – indicate your man is putting it where it doesn’t belong. Simply award points for each sign and add them up. Follow the quick-and-easy points system below and add them up as you go along. The results section at the end of this page will then inform you whether your suspicions are well-founded or you are simply a crazy, delusional mad woman.
There is also a short section at the end which makes suggestions about what to do with the money you saved by not hiring those PIs. This will, of course, depend on the results!
So, for each of the signs you will be given, you must award yourself either none, one, two or three points. Adding them up will give you the end result which will prove – absolutely and with no element of doubt – whether or not your man is cheating on you. First of all, the points system. No points if this has never happened, one point if you have noticed it a little, two if it seems to happen quite often. Finally, three points if you notice it all the time
So, ready? Let’s go!
This may of course be the truth. However, less time with you is more time with someone else. Are you sure it is with his manager? And if so, is her name Felicity? Is she twenty five? Does she look like a young Jessica Rabbit? Worry, girl.
Perhaps he has decided to brush up on his image. Thinking back to his manager: when you realized, with some relief, that he is managed by a man, did you recall ever meeting the manager’s partner at the company bash? And was he called Gerald? If so, worry, girl. Some worms do indeed turn.
Of course, perhaps he gave an old gentleman who owns a long haired Labrador a lift back from the Mall (where he had been buying another new shirt). Perhaps his musical tastes have changed and hell is about to freeze over. Or perhaps he was simply trying to find his portable razor (in that attempt to brush up his appearance) and decided to clean up the glove compartment while he was at it. If not then worry, girl.
Of course, he could be reassessing his financial position and saving up for that engagement ring you’ve been hoping for over the last, oh, seven years or so. If monetary impecunity continues with no resultant round gold thing, worry, girl.
Of course, it could just be his time of the month. Or the mid-life crisis may be starting, even though he is only twenty eight. If not, then worry, girl.
Or perhaps not. He could be shopping on line for that ring. He could be arranging a surprise birthday party for you and is doing it in plenty of time because it’s not for nine months and every detail must be correct. If you don’t want it to be your party with you crying if you want to, then worry, girl.
Well, perhaps it’s all about that party he is arranging for you. Perhaps it’s going to be the surprise of your life and he has to, at all costs, keep it a secret. Yes, that’s it. Don’t worry, girl!
Of course, he could have been checking out the venue for your surprise (engagement?) party and the party planner could have been a smoker who wore too much perfume. That will probably be it. There needs to be at least forty or fifty meetings of this kind for a really good surprise party. No need to worry, girl!
Plus you got engaged. What, no? No ring at all? No hint of proposal? Surely, this was THE evening he could have popped the question, with all your friends and family around. After all, he knows you’re going to say a great big yes and jump in to his arms.
So why the party? Think, girl! Who is the one with guilty thoughts after all?
If you scored between 0 and 5
Well done! You have a guy who is honest, faithful and, well, quite frankly boring. It is obvious that you are only together because he can’t attract someone prettier, richer, thinner and more intelligent than you. Dump him.
If you scored between 6 and 10
Not bad at all! Your guy is obviously a sensitive type who wouldn’t stray far from you if he could, which he obviously can’t. Either because he won’t or he can’t. However, there is that tiny, tiny doubt in your mind. Honestly, if you can’t trust your man one hundred percent, what can you do? Dump him.
If you scored between 11 and 15
Mmm. There is a little room for doubt in your mind. Not much, but just enough. Still, it could be worse. However, if he shows this little get up and go about having affairs, what sort of long term relationship can you look forward to? Boring, tedious and yawn inducing that’s what. Dump him.
If you scored between 16 and 20
He has the capacity to be a naughty boy, doesn’t he? In a half way house kind of way, that is. He should really do things properly or not at all. If you stay with this guy your house is going to fall down around your ears as he will always say he is going to get those DIY jobs finished but he never, ever will. Dump him.
If you scored between 21 and 25
Now. This guy means business, but not, more is the pity, with you. Whether it’s with Felicity or Gerald he is up to no good. Get your scissors out and wreck his new clothes. Rip the leather upholstery in his brand new car. Spill some paint on his laptop. Then, dump him.
If you scored between 26 and 30
Er, just dump him, girl. Then kill him. Chop him up in to tiny pieces and cook him up as a casserole.
What can you do with that money you could have wasted on a Private Investigator? Here is just one suggestion to start your thinking on the subject. Go on to one of the many last minute flights websites and book a ticket for a month in Rio. Once there, head for the beach and spend the rest on it on a guy called Michelangelo or Juan or Pedro. He may not, like pets, be for life but boy oh boy; your Christmas will have come early.
Please use the comment space below to give us your ideas about what to do with the money!
lol a great tongue in cheek post.
Alas, sad but true. My dear ex had all the signs--I just trusted the jerk. Now, I just trust the month support payments!