From the article:-
The introduction of the new system was announced on Breakfast Television this morning. The beginning of April will see the arrival of this new security system at the College. The Hormonatron AP-FO™ (pictured) will be installed to coincide with the start of the month. On arrival, students will present their ID cards to the security guard on duty and this will then be swiped through the Hormonatron for biometric identification purposes. The next step of the process is for the student to take one pace in to the Hormonatron itself.
Hilarious! Maybe you should have a centre where students can utilise their hormones!